New Fall Series Roundup

Accidentally on Purpose (CBS, Mondays, 8:30pm): A one-night stand with a much younger man turns into an unexpected pregnancy for San Francisco film critic Billie (Jenna Elfman) in this sorry excuse for a sitcom. Because this is the land of TV comedy, Zack (Jon Foster) the “baby baby daddy,” moves into Billie’s apartment, where they sleep in separate rooms and try to maintain boundaries. This is the kind of show that thinks hilarity comes from Billie flicking her breasts to make her nipples perk up, or from her dancing around the office chanting, “My booty is delicious” (how professional!). Three episodes in, the show is already recycling some its own “jokes,” and last night used the same tanning-lotion-as-masturbatory-aid plot that Rescue Me used months ago. The worst part is that even the actors can’t convince us that they at least find this material amusing. It’s safe to say that you can purposely steer clear of Accidentally on Purpose.

Trauma (NBC, Mondays, 9pm): If you like your shows to have a modicum of character development look elsewhere. If, however, you like your shows to maneuver from one meaningless though well-constructed set piece to another, this might be the show for you. Trauma follows a group of San Francisco paramedics who apparently have very little going on in their lives outside of their jobs. With Friday Night Lights’ executive producer Peter Berg and director Jeffrey Reiner attached, not to mention a cast that includes Derek Luke (Antwone Fisher), Anastasia Griffith (Damages), and Jamey Sheridan (Chicago Hope), this is the new season’s biggest waste of talent.

Instead of introducing us to the characters, the pilot spent most of its time at the scene of a horrific freeway pileup; last night was much of the same, though this time it was a driver plowing through a street fair. These scenes are all impressive in their scope—and the location shooting is certainly a highlight—but they seem intentionally drawn out to avoid having to spend any quiet time with the characters, clearly not among creator Dario Scardapane’s strong suits. (Here’s a dose of the wisdom this shows doles out: “People get hurt. Some get saved, a lot die. Then it happens all over again.”) In last night’s episode, a child actor yawned during a scene in which his mother was lying unconscious on the floor. That’s about the same reaction I had while watching this train wreck of a show.

Mercy (NBC, Wednesdays, 8pm): NBC’s second stab at the medical genre this season, Mercy is slightly more successful than Trauma, certainly an instance of damning with faint praise. Veronica Callahan (newcomer Taylor Schilling) has just returned to her nursing job after a tour of duty in Iraq, a fact that is clearly meant to endear her to the audience. And it might work if she hadn’t cheated on her husband while she was over there, didn’t use her war experience as an excuse not to deal with her life in the present, and didn’t have a habit of comparing all her cases to the ones she saw in combat. Veronica is yet another modern medical professional who has spent way too much time in the Meredith Grey School of Narcissism. It’s hard to build sympathy for a woman who feels she’s so deserving of it.

Mercy actually feels like a retread of Showtime’s summer dramedy Nurse Jackie: the tough-talking lead with an exterior that’s hard to crack, the peppy, naïve new nurse who wears colorful scrubs, the hospital administrator who likes to lecture nurses for caring too much. One more similarity presents itself when the man Veronica cheated with—he’s played by Men in Trees’ James Tupper—gets a job as a doctor in her hospital (Nurse Jackie had an affair with the hospital pharmacist). Is it a coincidence that so much of Mercy is reminiscent of another, far superior show? Maybe, maybe not. Regardless, why watch a knockoff when you can go straight to the original?

The Forgotten (ABC, Tuesdays, 10pm): I’ve already established that I’m not a fan of the crime drama genre; the case-of-the-week formula just doesn’t do anything for me. But that doesn’t mean that I go into new shows thinking that I’m going to hate them. I’d love for one of them to shake up my opinion and give me a reason to care. Unfortunately, The Forgotten is not that show.

Christian Slater heads a group of civilian volunteers who work with the police to put a name to John/Jane Does. We are told early on that this is the victim’s story and that it’s not about solving the murder. Funny, then, how the victim is identified halfway through the hour and the rest of the time is spent trying to find the killer. Aside from Slater (he’s a former cop motivated by his own daughter’s kidnapping, which explains why he never bothers to smile), the team of volunteers is as nameless and nondescript as the victims they’re trying to identify. A fat guy who crunches on cheese puffs and fancies himself a version of NYPD Blue’s Andy Sipowicz is supposed to provide the comic relief, and is about the extent of what counts for personality here. Clunky backstory revelations are divulged in conjunction with the investigation (when a Jane Doe turns up with a diamond ring, it prompts one team member to recall jilting her fiancé at the altar). It’s all standard-issue stuff under the guise of being something unique in crime drama storytelling.

Eastwick (ABC, Wednesdays, 10pm): Saving the best for last, Eastwick is a lark of a show that makes for a nice midweek diversion. Based on The Witches of Eastwick (both the book and the movie), it tells the story of three women who make a wish at a fountain only to see those wishes come true in the form of strange powers courtesy of Darryl Van Horne (Due South’s Paul Gross, obviously having a blast), a mysterious man who blows into town, laying his charm on thick. Roxie (Rebecca Romijn, Ugly Betty) starts having psychic dreams, including one in which she’s murdered; Joanna (Lipstick Jungle’s Lindsay Price) has the power to make men do whatever she wants; and Kat (Jaime Ray Newman from Eureka) can harness the power of Mother Nature, causing earthquakes and lightning strikes. All of this is cute enough, but so far the show is lacking in substance and, other than the mystery surrounding Darryl, it’s hard to tell where it’s going. If it’s trying to be Desperate Housewitches, it’s going to need a lot more scandal—and plot—to get there. While it figures itself out, though, the lovely ladies of Eastwick are enough to make the show harmless fun.